Author Archive

If they Prescribe Prozac to Dogs…

October 20, 2010

…why can’t they prescribe Statin to cats?

b dub p original.



July 26, 2010

I guess ur a model bc u took cheap ass photo shoot pics… #sitdown

im tired of seeing free weezy. no niggas they not gon free him until he pays his dues to society!!! so plz #sitdown and #stfu.

#SomePeopleThink too much, over analyse the world n sh!t, ur not Aristotle #SitDown

#howyouagangsta and u balling off pell grants, 21st century scholars, and sallie mae? #sitdown

#ImNotUnderstanding y girls feel the need to be extra! If you not gettin love, its just not your turn! #SitDown

#undernocircumstances should you be reppin your metro like it’s an iphone, smh #sitdown buddy.

New Terminology

June 7, 2010

Millduke(v.) – To hit something as hard as you can with a piece of broken sporting equipment. Or the back of your hand.

ex. “You have been MILLDUKED.” or “Consider yourself MILLDUKED.” or What I would do to this creature if he crossed my path:

Or this creature:

Missed you guys. b dub p.

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Owls

April 7, 2010

“Cooter schooled me to the game, now I know my duty
Stay humble stay low blow like Hootie
True pimp niggaz spend no dough on the booty”

“Federal agents mad cause I’m flagrant…”

“Got the flow down pizat, platinum plus Like thizat, dangerous on trizack, leave your ass blizzack.”

45 Late to Work, 45 Late to Leave

March 31, 2010

And now, some cardinals for your enjoyment…

Totally Pimp Heated Pool

March 30, 2010

This is the first thing we’re going to install in the townhouse:


March 23, 2010

Free video streaming by Ustream

The answer is San Marcos, CA. Look at ‘im.

Snap Judgement: PETA Says, “Why eat meat, when you can eat pussy?!”

March 22, 2010


MLIA – Next Time We Go Out, We Should Take This Into Consideration.

March 20, 2010
yams!! yams!! is offline // <![CDATA[//
Join Date: Sep 2004

I am kind of afraid to post this, because I would not be surprised if one or both of the two people in my story are Dopers. But in any case, this is not a “The Customer Was a Terrible Crazy Bitch and I Hope She Dies in a Fire” type story. This is a “The Customer was Completely Crazy and Completely Made My Day” kind of story.

So here goes:

Has anybody ever heard of Prehistoric Creature Day? It’s on Friday the 13th. Every Friday the 13th is Prehistoric Creature’s Day.

I used to work as a server at an upscale-casual suburban steakhouse. One Friday the 13th, probably a half-hour before I was due to be cut, my manager comes up and tells me to take table thirteen. “Have fun with it,” he tells me.

So I go over to greet table thirteen – it’s a man and a woman, maybe in their mid-forties.

And twelve stuffed dinosaurs.

Friday the 13th, I was told, is Prehistoric Creature’s Day. If you have any prehistoric creatures in your house, you have to take them out to a nice dinner on Friday the 13th, or else they will become angry and rampage through your house, creating a huge mess. So this couple, not wanting to spend the next day cleaning up after a squadron of angry reptilians, had brought their brood of dinosaurs out to dinner.

Most of them were kind of small (the kind of stuffed animal you could put on your desk at work), but there was one rather large triceratops, to whom I offered a booster seat. The rest of the dinosaurs sat on the table.

A dinosaur ordered a bottle of (expensive) wine.

A dinosaur tasted the wine, and declared it good.

The man and woman ordered their respective entrees, with plenty of side dishes to feed the rest of the crew.

Somebody else dropped off the food, and when I came by a few minutes later to make sure everything was ok, the table had been rearranged to accomodate all of the dinosaurs and their different culinary preferences. The carnivores were positioned around the steak. The herbivores gathered near the broccoli. The fish-eaters were crowding the fried lobster tail.

Everybody was a fan of the bread, and I brought over a refill.

While they were eating, I went over to my manager. “Manager,” says I. “These are by far the coolest, weirdest people we have ever had in here ever. We have to buy them a free dessert.”

Manager agrees, and so after the plates have been cleared, I go back to the table with the dessert menu, and tell them that, in honor of their special day, we would like to offer them a complimentary dessert.

One dinosaur -I think he was a brontosaurus- was very excited by this. Aided by the man, the dinosaur runs very excitedly to the end of the table, eager to look over our desserts! He loves dessert! He loves – oh no! All of a sudden, the chipper brontosaurus wilts in the man’s hands, and drags back to his place on the table. The man explains “He’s sad because he doesn’t read English. But dont worry, we’ll read it to him.”

They ordered dessert, everyone enjoyed it.

I forget if the man or the woman paid the bill – I just know it wasnt a dinosaur, which makes sense, as it was their day. They were being treated.

And that was by far the best table I ever had in my year and a half of waiting tables.


Doesn’t Even Get to Feel the Breeze…

March 11, 2010