Author Archive

Calf Smear Water, a Family Company!

February 21, 2010

Last night Bea asked, “Can I have some of your water?” But she ran her words together, so the question sounded more like “calf smear water?” MY GOD, I thought, GENIUS!

Take a bottle of water, slap some sexy legs and gratuitous calf smearing on the label, and we’re in business. Oh, if only I was a trust fund kid who could funnel hundreds of thousands of dollars into a stupid, failing business to quell my existential angst …

“Calf smear Calf Smear Water?”


battle of the crusties

February 10, 2010

when I was 12, my family moved from illinois to kansas. for the first time, I was a “new kid” at school. this wasn’t a particularly daunting experience — what was, however, was how similar everyone I met at this school was to the people back home. it was an interesting phenomenon and led to an epiphany about the roles people fill, how these counterparts even share similar physical features, how this must relate to our social status — everything was blatantly revealed. you realize how alike people are, how our experiences and pseudo-selves pigeonhole us into a specific social role, regardless of how hard we try to convince ourselves that we are uniquely “individual”.

in 9th grade, I found it happening again, but on a much larger scale. the student bodies from the area middle schools funnel into a high school, and for many kids, this was their first feeling of “being a new kid”. students had to meet their social and physical equivalents face to face. the result, though laughable, was undeniably sad: the students’ sense of individuality (a destructive ideal among individualistic societies) was threatened, and they had to fulfill a new, original, unique role, and quick — or no one would want them.

my favorite example of this was a fight between clay and john. clay, from my middle school, was our favorite “crusty kid” — the target of all animosity from every kid in the grade. john was the crusty kid from the other middle school. the two immediately took a disliking to each other; their social existence was being contested. if clay remained the crusty kid, john’s role would dissolve, and vice versa.

john was slightly retarded, but possessed the amazing ability to never lose a game of rock-paper-scissors — an idiot savant, if such a triviality counts. his is a skill that, with any luck, will help him through some rough situation in life. clay was just a good sport who routinely told outrageous lies, ensuring that people would always be able to ostracize him.

the two had several highly-publicized spats over the course of a week, until john finally challenged clay to a match of RPS during gym to settle the score. clay, of course, lost. he retaliated by swinging at john, knocking him down. john was too afraid to get up and fight back.

john’s parents pulled him out of school. clay had finally won a fight — one that had actually been witnessed, not just an awful lie. what clay hadn’t realized was that, in winning a fight, he’d become ineligible for teasing. no one cared much to tease him anymore, nor did they make much effort to talk to him at all. having lost his only form of connection with the others, clay led a quiet, depressing four years at the high school.

it took me an hour to figure out how to post this stupid joke.

February 10, 2010

hey look, the weather is a giant cock.